Steeling Time

"One does not time travel, one time traverses."


Sylvia Steele - Looking not unlike a young Mrs Waterbury from The Railway Children.

Some weeks ago, I posted about the 1954 time-traversing socialite Mrs. Sylvia Steele and her forthcoming series of lectures about how one should riot politely, etc. Well, last Thursday evening I attended one of Mrs. Steele's talks which took place inside the delectable confines of Rufford Village Hall near Ormskirk.

And what a retina-popping lecture it was. Sylvia disembarked from her time portal gas range oven in what can only be described as stupendous style, attired and made up in much the same fashion as the divine Dinah Sheridan (it may have actually been Dinah - she could certainly rival Hedy Lamarr in the science-brain stakes). Anyway, 'Sylvia' did look a little wan, although she later explained that this was due in part to her time-traversing to the year 1991 where the mass of Global Hypercolor T-Shirted chests in the audience had frayed her vision somewhat. Immeasurably gracious time-trooper that she was, however, Mrs. Steele did not let a pesky 36-hour migraine spoil her show.

Sylvia divided her lecture into five main topics which were as follows:

Human Interaction & Social Comportment
"Decorum is good for the soul; rudeness will give you acne."

Affairs of the Heart
"Enticement begins with the eyes; it ends with The Clap."

Occupation & Toil
"Work strengthens the spirit; a hip flask in one's handbag never hurt anyone."

Leisure & Pleasure
"Holidays and excursions encourage cultural understanding; the charms of Florence are greatly exaggerated."

Eggs
"Never beat, always beguile"

Mrs. Steele then proceeded to divulge her superior knowledge of each subject in more detail and I can honestly admit that I have never been more enthralled by a woman other than myself in my whole, ridiculous life. Judging by the expressions of other audience members, I would say the same applied for them too (many commented upon my enthrallingness as we exited the hall). And so a veritable success, Mrs. Sylvia Steele! And one to me, too!

Perhaps I should get on this speechifying bandwagon...After all, a blog does not nearly do justice to my electrifying charisma and also my readers are bungee-jumping off in their droves. Well, if you won't read me then you'll just have to see me. Introducing The Well Fan My Brow Public Discourses - Mitzy Addresses (Enthralls) The Nation. Best keep an eye on my rudeness, though, otherwise future lectees will be taking notes from a very pimply-cheeked lecturer.