You Know Where You're Going

Do you really know or is it just that others think you know because you have that kind of face? Henrik from Hulme is concerned that he has this kind of face too:

"Dear Mitzy," the face, I mean the letter reads, "I wondered if you could help me. My plight may seem trivial compared to those of others but it is causing me untold distress. Everyone thinks that I know where everything is. 'How do you get to Middle England from here?' 'Which way to The South?' 'Is this the way to Shangri La or have I missed the turning?' Everyone asks me these kind of questions. On any given day, an average of 77 individuals will stop me and ask for directions but I really don't know where anything is. Why have I been cursed with a face that says otherwise? Any help on this matter would be much appreciated. Please guide me, Mitzy. Please."

I will endeavour to try, Henrik but would you be so kind as to tell me how to get to Money Street? It may not have occurred to you but 'Dear Mitzy' is not actually getting paid for helping you sort out your direction dilemma. Such jocularity aside, I would be glad to assist, remunerated or not (seriously, if these letters keep coming I will have to think about charging you for your nutty problems, readers). Allow me to give you a word of advice, Henrik, about these everyone's out there: the everyone's are idiots and take all faces at face value. They see a face that looks as if it knows where the road to hell is and they ask this face where said road is. This same logic applies to people who look busy; the everyone's think that they are working hard and are very busy when in actual fact their facial muscles are merely moving at a greater speed - faster than the speed of light in some cases - than the average face.

Sadly, short of surgery I'm not sure what you could do to change your physiognomy. You could consider wearing a cap that says, 'I don't know where the duck I'm going' or something a little more hard-hitting like, 'Ask me anything and die.'

Or you could consider making a bob or two out of your face; for every question posed by a lost and worried soul, charge them £108 (plus a start up fee of £23).

One final option could be to find out exactly where you are going and to locate where absolutely everything in the world actually is. Of course, chances are that if you plump for this no one will ever ask you a damn thing ever again. The idiots. But at least you'll go to your grave with a head full of directions and a heart full of Ordnance Survey maps. Sounds like a blissful way to go if you ask me...