Lose Weight Now! Eat Fewer Temperatures!

Summer is almost here and the time will soon be right for bojangling in the streets. Great stuff - I don't think. Personally, I abhor the 'lighter later' months and often take to my Wendy House until it's all over. However, I am acutely aware that other people do enjoy charring themselves in the cruel, cruel, sun 'shine.'

Yet the warmer weather can also make some a little more conscious of their muffin tops, their crumpet dimples, and their bagel bottoms (not me - I have been medically certified as 'tubby-immune' although my skivvy Norv could do with toning up his 'pikelet pinkies'). Perhaps you, loyal reader, may even be thinking about losing a few pounds here and there, hm? Contemplating dropping a couple of inches of neck-fat? How about giving the Temperature-Free Diet a go?

The TFD plan was cogitated by Dr. Paul Plustard and simply involves consuming food and drink products with negligible temperatures, for example temp-free cheese, temp-free butter and temp-free bombay pork scratching peshwari naans.
It is designed to ease the body into a state of 'neutral bliss' and to 're-align' fat deposits altogether. By ingesting foods that contain few or fewer thermostatic readings, the excess weight should drop away safely and comfortably and with little or no side-effects such as flaky eyes or itchy intestines common to many other fitness regimes.

Dr. Plustard, from Rusholme, has just published his first TFD book and will be giving a free lecture on the revolutionary diet plan next week (purchase of at least two books per person is compulsory). Plustard will also be demonstrating ways in which dieters can exert full mind control over their bodies via the use of a snooker cue and an old copy of the Encyclopedia Brittanica.
Speaking to Dr. Plus earlier today, I asked him why Manchester tubbsters should follow his particular branch of lardy fascism?

"The TFD diet is a diet like no other. For thousands of millenias[sic] of years, people all over the whorld[sic] have been eating and drinking all the wrong things! They have been making themselves fat by consuming too many temperatures! I discovered that by negating the temp control of, say, tramasalata[sic], one could eat as much as one liked of it without gaining an ounce! It is ingenious. Once people cut back on their temp calories, their fat pounds will simply implode and they will never go back to eating another temperature again. Geniosi![sic]"

So just cut down on your temperature calories, folks, and have a body soon to die (for)!
I shall take Norvy to Dr. Paul's lecture next week - he consumes temperatures like they're going out of fashion - and will report back on exactly what one must do with that snooker cue. Snack on it? Surely a cue must have relatively few temp-cals...?